Hi there! I’m so glad you have come to visit. I hope you’ll stay long enough to find encouragement, grace and sisterhood here.
Trying to put together a FIRST blog post has felt really overwhelming to me! I don’t want to over share on this first post and scare you away, and I also don’t want to bore you away. There are so many talented writers sharing great blogs. Knowing that inspires and intimidates me! So…. Here goes my first blog post attempt….Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy ride!
Welcome to my mess! By mess, I’m not referring to the cute, quirky, endearing kind of mess that some girls seem to wear like a charming accessory. I’m talking about the messy, painful kind of mess that you will not see on the outside (most days). My particular brand of mess has been a journey of close to two years and counting of life spinning out of control in ways that I never could have predicted or prevented. One trial after another. Pain in relationships, mental illness, addiction, job loss, hospitalizations, uncertainty in the face of the future for my family. Throughout this journey I have felt pain, loneliness, discouragement, weariness and some days hopelessness. I didn’t share what I was going through emotionally with anyone intentionally. Some days the pain of it would leak out anyway, but I was quick to put a lid on it and tuck those unpredictable, messy emotions back inside where I felt they belonged. I was motivated to keep my vulnerable side from showing by a desire for privacy, a sense of trying to protect my loved ones, not wanting to feel even more out of control, and pride. What I am beginning to understand is that pride has played a role in keeping my mess painful which provides the oxygen it needs to keep growing. I have also come to realize that there is a chance I might be able to help someone else in their mess by sharing my journey.
I sure don’t have it all figured out, but I have learned a few things along the way. I have learned that I have an amazing support system of friends and family who are willing to be there for me and my family in ways beyond what I ever would have asked. They were also loving enough to say things to me that I didn’t want to hear, but needed to. There is something really special about friends who will speak hard truth with love. I have learned (well, I’m still in the process of learning this, but I’m working on it) that I cannot control the choices and decisions that my teen and young adult kids make. The most powerful thing I can do to influence my children is to pray for them on a daily basis and make sure they know that I am praying for them. I wish I had known this sooner. I wish I had known that even when I thought I could parent them into making the right choices, they still have free will. Prayer is now my most powerful parenting tool. I have learned that taking care of myself and making sure I get my run in more days than not is absolutely essential to my well-being and ability to face the hard days and appreciate the good days. I have learned that my outlook on my situation is directly impacted by my relationship with God. Turning my troubles, worry and sadness over to Him has resulted in peace in the midst of trouble and the grace I need to get through some really difficult days. God will not always give us what we want but he will always, always, always provide what we need. Sometimes life is hard, but God is good. God is good all the time.
Hope to see you next time!