addiction, mental illness, Prayers

Unwelcome Companions

A jaw so clenched in sleep that I woke with an aching mouth. Racing heart and scattered thoughts of worry waiting for me to stir, my unwelcome companions for the day.  Tools of the enemy. They are uninvited. Who opened the door and let them in?

How often have I been lacking empathy for a loved one who suffers from anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere? It doesn’t make sense if it cannot be assigned a reason for occurring, right? And yet, am I not experiencing the same right now? As I cry out to God to bring peace and erase my fear and worry, I can’t help but wonder what hopelessness I would feel if I did not have the comfort of my Heavenly Father to turn to. How in the world could I  walk through the pain of wayward children, addiction, mental illness or any other trouble in this earthly life without  knowing that His love and compassion transcend my earthy pain and fear? A mother’s broken heart is no joke. It’s hard to imagine the despair of believing this earthly journey is all there is. Oh how I long for the day that He comes to take us to our Heavenly home!  This Earth is temporary. It is not my permanent home. I pray for guidance to fulfill my duties and purpose here as I long for the day to be taken home to my Savior.

Father God, you are greater, stronger, bigger, more powerful than my problems, struggles and fears. Today my problems and fears feel too big for me to face. I give them to you. Please help me not to believe or be seduced by feelings, but to believe and speak your truth. Pour your truth into me today. Fix my eyes and thoughts on you. I long for peace that only you can give. Peace no matter the storm, no matter the worry, no matter the uncertainty of this life. Peace that is deep and abiding.

I know that you have allowed these situations, this pain, these specific struggles into my life for a reason. I may not yet (or ever) understand the reason, but I acknowledge that you have purpose for this season of pain and heartache and that you can redeem this story and create something beautiful from the mess. Take my worries and my sorrow. Craft my pain and heartache into something that will bring glory to you. Release me from anxiety, fear and worry. Give me rest in you today.

 ~Amen

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your cares on him because he cares for you.

Psalm 16:8 I know the Lord is always with me. He is at my right hand. I will always be secure.

My Story, Uncategorized

What is my real story?

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I have known for awhile that I have a story to tell.  At first, I thought the point of my story was to show how God wrecked my comfortable life to lead me to a path of ultimate abundance in Him.  A story similar to that of the Israelites of reaching the Land of Canaan after wandering in the wilderness. It would be a beautiful story of experiencing some hardship, feeling discomfort for a season and then God setting everything back to normal (only better) and continuing on in my typical American pursuit of all things leading to a comfortable, easy life, which would now be made even better because of the season of hardship I had endured.  And since God is so awesome and moved us to Texas where everything is bigger (and better!), of course that would apply to my situation and my house and bank account would also be bigger.  That seemed like a fair trade off for the year I had endured.  I would share my experiences from the other side, the promised land.   I was just waiting to get to a comfortable place to say ‘Look what God has done!’  I was waiting to show how God brought me out of the hardship and provided blessings as a reward for getting through it.  It’s ridiculous, I know!  I hate reading what I just wrote, because it shows how greedy and prideful I have been.  Unfortunately, it takes getting the words written and actually seeing my thoughts to realize how ridiculous and selfish they are.  And I know I could clean this up and not even tell you the prideful, greedy, selfish part, but that would be even more prideful.  So here’s the truth, I don’t have it all figured out.  There are a lot of days that I feel mad or sad or disappointed that I had to give up my material comforts. Isn’t dealing with the heartache of mental illness, addiction, and wayward children enough?  Do I really have to struggle financially too??  There are many days that I wrestle with my attitude about it all. Sharing my story is not about how I did it all right.  It’s about how I still get it wrong much of the time, but I am seeking Him and He is good.  He is faithful. He is God. He has been with me through every hard step.

 

My story is about how He has met me IN the hardship and walked with me through my darkest days.  And He is still showing up every day.  I am done waiting to be in a comfortable spot to say Look what God has done!  I am saying it now, even in the hard places, especially in the hard places.  I’m not asking Him to remove the hard places anymore (most days).  I am asking Him to USE the hard places.  To use me and not let me waste the work He is doing in me by looking beyond right now.  Those hard places where all the pain, heartache and growth have and still are occurring….that is really the story I need to tell.  
Sharing the experience of lessons learned at my lowest points,  how He provided through the through the hardest days, how that is growing me.  That is where hope and comfort can be shared. That is the story I am here to tell.